September 2020

Young Bedřich Smetana was such a brilliant composer that he was sometimes called a Czech Liszt.

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Astrophysicists at MIT formed a rock band and made a recording of the song they wrote, “Space-time is On My Side.”

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Off the coast of France, the sea is generally calm. However when whitecaps do appear on occasion, the French Coast Guard marks them with floating flags; they flag the white wave. (You know those French.)

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What do you call it when the planets all forget what the others weigh?

Mass confusion

         

 

Johann Sebastian Bach’s great grandchildren have a family party every year celebrating him. They think inside the Bachs.

 

August 2020  I’m getting a puppy and naming it Mycup.  Every time I call it, Mycup runneth over.

 

July 2020  You’ve got this

 

May 2020

 

The man who invented “The gun that won the west” gave thanks for his success and wealth by building a house of worship.  He called it

 

Winchester Cathedral

 

(This hit me while listening to the 1966 song by The New Vaudeville Band.  

The real Winchester Cathedral is in Hampshire, England and was completed in 1093.  This is Bodie Methodist Church in the Bodie State Historical Park, California)

 

 

April

 

Kilroy always wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building.  Finally when he got there, he was so excited that he fell and broke his arm.  At the emergency room, they made him a cast of Plaster of New York.

 

After his broken arm healed, Kilroy vacationed in Paris and took the elevator to the Troisieme Etage of Paris’ most famous landmark, where Kilroy remarked, “What a view!  Now  I know why they call it the Eye Full Tower.”

 

Richard was raised in an orphanage and served in the merchant marines for thirty years, always sad, always sullen. His nickname was “Mopey Dick.”

 

My friend Chuck said, “I took my fiancé, Bonny, on a seven day cruise from London to Rome.  She kept saying  she loved me until I caught her making out with the bartender.  I learned the hard way that song is so true:  My Bonny lies over the ocean, my Bonny lies over the sea.”

 

Tesla – Mad At Gas Car

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March 2020  We stopped in a bait and tackle shop in Minnesota last winter and asked how to ice fish.  The clerk said “To catch a big fish, you need a big ice hole.”  So we brought a Democrat with us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

December , 2019

 

 

 

 

He just sat there like a log on a bump

 

 

 

 

The corporate motto of Water Well Diggers, Inc. of Phoenix, Arizona was “We always find water!”  However,  in the dry desert southwest of Phoenix, they dug deeper than ever before in company history before finally giving up without successfully completing their water well.  It was December and the first no well.

 

November 2019

 

Game warden boarded a commercial fishing boat off the coast of California.  After inspecting their catch of squid, he announced to the captain:  "I can write you a ticket that will cost you $5,000 for catching over your limit, or you can give the excess of just two hundred pounds to me and we'll both go our ways.  Do we have a deal?"

 

It was a squid pro quo.

 

 

 

 

 

     A little screwed up

 

 

 

September 2019

What did one three toed sloth say to another?

Gimme three.

 

August 2019

 

 

Canon in D

 

 

At Trader Joe’s, I saw a man wearing a tee shirt with a picture on it of outer space.  The caption was “I need space.”  This remark demands a pun.  Here it is:  “What did the claustrophobic, unemployed astronaut say?”

  

July 2019   Now in the “L” section of my thesaurus, I’m at words for a loss.

Loss:  noun – accident, casualty, catastrophe, cost, damage, debt, defeat, destruction, disaster, failure, fall, injury, trouble

 

 

Hungarian mother to her son:  “Why are you such a brat!”  Son:  “What do you expect, I was born in Pest.”

 

March 2019  The newly elected sheriff kisses every pretty girl he sees while making his rounds in town.  We should have listened more carefully when he spoke out at town meetings promising to be our “Law and ardor sheriff.”

 

February 2019   A very sick Arctic tern landed on the front porch in Fairbanks.  The residents took him to the veterinarian’s where he was diagnosed and treated with antibiotics for worms.  The tern was wormed.

 

 

 

 

The grub was all curled up for the cold night.  In the afternoon sun the worm straightened out.

[This is the opposite of “The worm turned,” in case you were wondering.]

 

 Why did the crocodile refuse to admit being a crocodile?

He was in de Nile.

 

FROM HERE UP SUBMITTED TO READER’S DIGEST MAY 2024

 

November 2018  Carl Phillipp Emmanuel Bach threw a birthday party on September 5, 1764 for his younger brother, Johann Christian. Carl invited the young Wolfgang Mozart for everyone’s mutual entertainment and perhaps for a music lesson from his elders.  A week later, Mozart composed his first symphony at age 8.  When he was asked how he could achieve such an accomplishment, he replied, “after the birthday party, I walked out the front door of my friend, Carl Phillipp Emmanuel’s house, stood on porch for a few minutes, and started thinking outside the Bachs’.

 

October 2018  A family  of killer whales has been lazily swimming in circles off Laguna Beach, California, for weeks. They don’t feed, they just … hang out, and act goofy, sort of like California people, if you know what I mean.  Locals have dubbed them “The Odd Pod.”

 

Well, today, my wife finally gave me the nickname I have worked at so long and hard to earn.  Pulling out of shopping centers, I usually run over a round curb while turning right, just like I did this morning.  Named after the famous movie starring Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, Easy Rider,” I am now “Bumpy Rider.”

 

September 2018  I sat down and began deriving the proof of the Pythagorean Theorem.  Tearing off the top of up my small container of tapioca, I accidentally spilled it all over my papers.  Now the pudding is in the proof.

 

August 2018   The middle school class built a maze to experiment with a mouse and see how long it would take him to find his way out to a reward under various conditions.  Johnny took the whole maze home with him for the weekend, along with the mouse the class named "Curiosity" for his constant searches through the maze.   But on the following Monday morning, when he returned the maze but no mouse, Johnny's teacher asked where the mouse was.

"Well, Miss Davenport, we have a cat at my house and the cat killed Curiosity."

 

Little known trivia:

Jack Paar was an avid golfer and was made wealthy from his many years as a popular late night talk show host.  After retiring, Jack had a beautiful

golf course built in Southern California.  He named it The Course for Paar.

 

 

 

July 2018    Little Johnny opened his lunch sack  at the zoo while looking down at the tiger’s  cage.  He took one  bite out of his hefty ham sandwich while still in the ziplock bag and then  dropped it, whereupon one  tiger immediately ran over and swallowed it with one gulp.  After a few days the tiger became so ill it required stomach surgery, but all went well and now the bag is out of the cat.

 

June 2018  As an avid salt water fisherman, I practice knot tying in between forays out to the deep blue.   Sometimes we fishermen use our mouth to wet line or help tie a knot. While  doing so with a completed knot, I accidentally swallowed the darn thing.  I retrieved it from the toilet the next day.  I shit you knot.

 

Ever since watching old men play pinochle in East St. Louis, Illinois, I studied and practiced the game until finally in Las Vegas, I won the World Championship of Pinochle.  At last, I had reached the pinochle  of success.

 

How do Members of the Texas German Car Club greet each other?

Audi

 

 

May 2018  What did the fencing student say when he lost another duel?

Curses, foiled again.

 

April 2018  Attacked in a blind alley at night by a trio of circus performers in full costume, who were attempting to rob me, I used my finely tuned martial arts skills of self-defense.  I went for the juggler.

 

March 2018  Sewing machine – A site for sew-er eyes

 

Between the pink corals of Australia and the pink corals of the Philippines, there is very good coralation in the brilliant coloration.

 

Sept 2013

 

Winnie the Pooh to Tigger:  You scratch my back and I'll scratch Eeyores.

 

November 2011

So many crimes have been reported to have taken place “in broad daylight.”  It makes me wonder what criminals have against narrow daylight.

If criminals are, as so often claimed, “up to no-good,” is everyone else up to yes-good?

After being a smoker for most of my life, I’m trying to kick the nun’s clothing.

July 2011

Every year in September, autumn befalls me.

 

-June 2011

The English teacher grew herbs in his garden, and prided himself in his creativity.  After making some cologne from his herbs, he wore the cologne on a dinner date.  When the young lady asked what cologne he was wearing, the herbalist casually replied, “The essence is of thyme.”

 

 

 

April 26, 2011

Mister Caterpillar stood up, way up tall, as tall as he could stand with almost all of his legs in the air to reach the plant.  But alas, just then came a puff of wind, blowing him over, where he struck his head on a pebble, and was fatally wounded.  Thus originated the euphemism, “He was on his last legs.”

 

 

Also April 26, 2011

Albert Kristow,  an officer with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, had a fearsome reputation among criminals throughout Saskatchewan. When bad guys would try his patience, Officer Albert would famously give them to ten to hightail it out of town and never return, or else!  Albert seldom got beyond six, before the bad guys would vamoose:  “One, two, three, four, five…..”

Thus did all  criminals fear….. the count of Mounty Kristow.

 

Oct 2010

Little known is the fact that many nursery rhymes have their origins based on reality.  For example, the respective  mottos of Russian and Iranian caviar (sturgeon) fishermen are:

“Boat, boat, boat your roe,” and “roe, roe, roe in your boat”

 

Sept 2010

 

“I’m a sole man.”

  -  Gregory Hines, tapdancer

 

“I’m a sole man.”

-          Halibut fisherman

 

“I’m a Seoul man.”

-          Korean President

 

“I’m a soul man.”

-          Billy Graham

 

“I’m a sole man.”

 - Shoe Repairman

. .

 

“I’m a soul man.”

 - Sam and Dave

 

Aug 2009

 

What do you call a ticket given to a glider pilot?

A cite for soar eyes.

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The Muscovite with diarrhea had to run to the toilet.

He was Russian.

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What do you call a Warsaw native who enjoys riding fast on horseback?

 

A gallop Pole.

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A famous artist used to carpool to the studio every day with a fellow artist. His associate picked him up in a Dodge Caravan and then sang, “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work, van go.”

 

An inveterate crooner was heard singing from his bed on a cruise: “My body lies over the ocean. My body lies over the sea . . . .”

Geometry student: Teacher, I can’t get this circle stuff.

Teacher: It’s easy as pi.

 

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Prospect to commercial real estate agent: Would you rent me a building?

Agent: It’s the lease I can do.

 

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Wen Ho Lee – Secret Asian Man

 

(For the Udderly Clueless, Wen Ho Lee is the American scientist who worked at Los Alamos Nuclear Labs in New Mexico, and downloaded millions of lines of instructions in how to build nuclear bombs. The FBI botched his investigation and prosecution during the Clinton Administration, after Bill received lots of dough from the Communist Chinese government.)

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Al worked part time at the Medieval Castle in Southern California, where he rode a powerful steed and jousted his adversary who also carried a paper mache lance before tourists served food and grog by costumed wenches. On weekends Al could always be found at the beach, copping a mondo tan, and flippantly handing out compliments to buxom young chicks in hopes of getting lucky.

 

Just who was Al, you may ask?

 

He was a dark and smarmy knight.

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Juan lives in a small hut, in a small Mexican village and catches

a few fish daily to eat with his tortillas.

 

Retire now in idyllic Mexico with almost no money.

 

And......................

 

You too can live as cheaply as Juan.

 

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Orville, the herpetologist, moved from Arizona to Cuba. Of course he took his pet poisonous lizard with him.

But Orville DID rename his pet.

 

What did he rename the reptile, you may ask.

 

Havana Gila

 

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Confucius and Ho Nguyen own a Cessna 172 and commute work in it. Whenever they meet in the small terminal, Confucius likes to greet his friend with a little ditty:

 

"Ho hi, Ho hi

It's off to work we fry."

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Subumba, our African guide on safari in Kenya, told us that the lions always wait until winter to migrate to their other seasonal hunting grounds.

 

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As Subumba put it,

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/ Old Swahili saying: The fall goeth before the pride.

 

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Willie Nelson purchased an abandoned underground coal mine and converted it to a sheep farm. He dedicated a new song to his ranch:

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/ “Ewe were always on my mine.”

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